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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

money money money money

Law school doesn't prepare you for the bar exam. It is a sad fact. So everyone takes bar exam prep courses, you have to if you want to pass. New York is known for its difficulty. Today I went to register for my bar prep course.

Now if i was going to work at a big firm they would pay for it, but I am not going to work at a big firm as I would like to do something meaningful with my life. Therefore, I have to pay for the course myself. And today I found out that the course for New York is $2400 due by March. This does not cover whatever fees exist for taking the test. I still haven't paid this semesters tuition balance.

I would really like to throw up now.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Sages

I talked with my best friends parents this weekend. I mentioned how me and my friends have noticed things being like high school lately. They are both in their sixties and there response was "Life is always like high school." I had been feeling that was the truth of the matter but to hear it from them just made it solid.

I've got knots in my stomache of self doubt and confusion. I think I'm enjoying them, it is not often that I don't know what I want to do.

Lastly, my blog may move to an address that will not be linked to from here. My ten year old brother got my older brother's blog address and I am linked from his blog and I don't know if I want the little man reading about my life. There are just things a ten year old shouldn't know about his grown sister.

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Saturday, September 25, 2004

Saturday Morning

On most saturday mornings I study and complete my errands. Today's errand was going to the pharmacy to stock up on things that have run out. I am at the back of the pharmacy and I realize I do not have condoms. And I guess a woman of a certain age who lives on her own should have condoms in her house (especially one who is allergic to certain types of condoms). The first realization is that condoms have gotten friggin expensive. I stood there debating which to buy how many to buy why the condoms for "her pleasure" cost two dollars more decided my pleasure wasn't worth two dollars more picked a pack of condoms finished my shopping and went to the register.

Now I had let my supplies of EVERYTHING seriously dwindle but I did not expect the total to be what it turned out to be. I kinda verbalized my shock at which point the older male cashier reaches into the bag that he had been packing pulls out my box of condoms holds them up at about my head level and says rather loudly, "Well are you sure everything in this bag is yours?". I could've smacked him but instead I glared back and said YES.

I was not embarrassed, I was annoyed AND what makes his comment more annoying was that in my bag were two sticks of Old Spice deodarant for my friend Kevin (he is stationed in the mid east and they aren't available over there). Why couldn't Mr. Cashier ask if those were mine? I'll tell you why. Cause he is an asshole.

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Friday, September 24, 2004

Wow

A movie star has pretty much summed up one of my life philosophies.

"The real politics are the politices you eat on the street and you spit and you sniff." Gael Garcia Bernal

The true revolution is how you choose to live your everyday and what you carry in your hearts.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2004

and yet another dream

Last night I dreamed Ashton Kutcher was in my bedroom and do you know what he was doing? He was cleaning! My hottest fantasy is for a man to come over and tidy up all of my stupid clutter. Why Ashton? I have no idea, I am not particularly attracted to him so maybe if he did pop in my bedroom I would ask him to clean. But really, there I was with one of the most desired men in the country in my room and I had him tidying.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

two weeks and a prayer of sorts

The term starting is always a crazy time for me and I tend to get wrapped up in myself. I haven't been to my mother's house since we went to Virginia together and I really hadn't talked to her in like two weeks. I finally called her yesterday and will be going home saturday for a party with the high school friends and will then spend sunday with the siblings.

However, something much more important has occurred to me. The last time I heard from Kevin was before the semester started. He normally calls me every other week from Bahrain (where he is on duty with the Navy, translating or something or other we don't really talk about what he does when he calls). I haven't even gotten an email.

And this could all be my fault. I haven't sent any emails, so why should I expect them. Except that he is in the Middle East in uniform and I am not and I just feel like I could cry cause I don't know if I haven't gotten an email cause I haven't sent them or for some other reason which I will not let my brain linger on. And this is all my fault cause if I had just kept up the emailing me I would know if my worrying was worth it or not.

I miss Kevin. He really should be with us all at the party this Saturday and he won't be and I really really want my friend back. I keep making him promise that we will do certain things again and promising him that I will do certain things again cause if we make promises we have to follow through...we have always been like that. And I know there are things bigger than us and I hate that.

Today I want to be sixteen again sitting on the rock that over looks the creek eatting egg drop soup talking about role playing games and literary aspirations. And I know I can't be sixteen again but please God let me sit on the rock with Kevin and do that just a few more times.

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Short Notes

Last weekend I dyed my hair and then yesterday I got it cut (okay really trimmed and styled nothing drastic) and I have changed what perfume I wear. That will be the extent of my fall make over this year.

On a side note I have decided that none of us know what we are doing.

And I finally decided to add a comment section. Have fun kiddies


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Monday, September 20, 2004

The Downside of Hermitdom

So I tend to spend a lot of time by myself and my weekends are typically a refuge of reading and writing. I go out but either friday or saturday rarely ever both. Most of my friends tend to be the same way. I had some other friends in town for the weekend and by saturday at ten I just tossed in the towel and came home. I was too tired of it, I left them at a bar so I could go read and sleep.

Sunday I was the gracious hostess and ran around Chinatown and Times Square which are just way too crowded for my liking. I felt so drained that I have taken today off from class to get some rest. It just made me realize I tend to live a calm pretty balanced life that, to outersiders could seem damn boring but I know my life isn't boring cause I have some dope ass friends in New York and I love you guys.

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Friday, September 17, 2004

the quote of the day "and if i can't have everything well then just give me a taste" T. Reznor

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On Singleness and my Obsession with a Singer

The other day in my law and literature class we were discussing Portia from Merchant of Venice. My professor said that he didn't understand why Portia, who was so intelligent would be willing to wed a suitor that was like her suitor (unintelligent and obviously money hungry). I raised my hand because I understood why she would.

Me--Portia of all of the Shakespeare women I have read is one of the few that has complete control over her life without a man's control and influence. Yes, her father's presence is there but he is dead and the he can only influence her with her consent. As a smart woman that is used to having control over her life the only way she can keep control as a married woman is by marrying someone who is not as intelligent as she is.
Professor--Do you plan on marrying someone who is not as intelligent as you are?
Me, perplexed at the question,--I don't plan on getting married.

At which the class erupts into laughter the professor has a look of shock amusement and laughs and then says he shouldn't have asked that question.

Unlike other people I know, I have the benefit of knowing precisely why I am single. There are a myriad of reasons but it boils down to the fact that I am exceedingly picky and unwilling to compromise. If I cannot have one person in my life who satisfies all of my needs the quick and easy solution is the have mulitple people in my life who satisfy certain needs (don't take that to mean I am intimate with all or any of them).

Also I get on these long trips where I just want to be alone. Having a boyfriend in Florida for a year really spoiled me. I got to live my life exactly how I wanted to and then fly someplace beautiful to hang out with somebody beautiful and I got laid to boot ;-) John and I were talking the other day and we agreed that relationships are really about Saturday and Sunday mornings. Those are the first thing that tends to fly out of your hands when you are involved with someone. And me, if someone happens to have slept in my bed friday or saturday night, the next morning when I want to sit up and write and watch cartoons or Meet the Press I tend to just look at the 180 pounds of flesh beside me with some contempt. Until I find someone whose sheer presence doesn't annoy on a weekend morning I will stay single (btw I don't always get annoyed at the person beside me, there hasn't really been that many people beside me on a weekend morning. I just tend to get annoyed when they don't want to do exactly what I want to do for the weekend, at which point I want to say okay well then go do your thing I will do mine and we can meet up later.)

Which brings me to my latest obsession--Claudio Sanchez. Not since I was in 5th grade have I been so smitten with the lead singer of a band. Claudio's band is called Coheed and Cambria, I saw them on the Warped Tour and they just blew me away. I got the CD and his voice pierced my soul. It was awful, felt like I had been smacked with a glove filled with quarters. I googled him and found out why this band isn't everywhere--they are not MTV attractive, neither cute enough nor gimicky enough. The lyrics of the songs slay me, finding out that he is working on a comic made it worse and even his name is fucking sexy. How did I become this stupid? So I find out that the band is playing at the Roseland in November and I know I am going to go, I just don't know if I am going alone or not. If I go alone nobody will see me when I throw myself at this guy. If I go with someone they may stop me from throwing myself at this guy. And now I sit plotting on how to get a rock stars attention because I really didn't play attention in groupie class, I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my own groupies.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Follow Up....I guess (If you are a poet or improve artist and don't want to read about my life, please skip to the paragraph that starts "FYI")

Last night it really schocked me that RAC didn't know I was a law student. And I guess I shouldn't have been that shocked, she doesn't know me very well...really we have only talked about tattoosand kids. But I realized this morning as I laid in bed, where most of my realizations happen, that the reason it shocked me is that it really has become a huge part of my identity.

That interest me, because it is something that I never really wanted to happen. I was going to
be the "non-law student", law student. Inevitably law creeped into all aspects of my life, just like
poetry. I really can't count how many times Oscar has introed me with some reference to my
legal world or how many "one small question" my poet friends have had.

I think I want people to know about my lawyer portions because if they don't know, I can't help them. As much as I get annoyed when people pick my brain at inappropriate times (like at parties when I am having fun or at the back of bars when I am passed my second beer), there are times when it is welcomed (like at parties before the fun has started or in the back of bars before I have had my first beer...especially if you are buying my first beer).

FYI, I can't give legal advice but I can tell you stuff generally and in the spirit of general help I am thinking of making a booklet/guide titled "Copyright for Poets and Improve Artisit".
Basically it will be a way for you to get the answers to questions and will be rather general (so
that I can'tget sued for legal malpractice by someone relying on it a bit too much). A lot of times we think we are protected when we are not and I don't know how much that bothers some folks butI just wanna help. If you have any questions you would like me to cover please send me an
email.

On a side note

Law school and John have really affected how I talk. I say what I mean, completely, honestly, no bullshit, always. However, I have found that people seem to hear either what they want to hear or what they expect to hear regardless of what I say. I've also found that people tend to say what they think you want to hear or expect to hear. That tends to put me in cross examination mode where I keep asking questions until I get the plainest most concise answer possible. It is an annoying habit and I am trying to rid myself of it BUT as to what I say, I've decided that since people hear what they want, I am going to say whatever I want without censorship (I have always said what I want before with mild censorship and now even that is going out the window). If I offend you, I am not sorry.


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Monday, September 13, 2004

Tears

Last week I wrote a poem titled "Lower East Side" (dedicated to Jane) that I plan[ned] on reading tonight at Bar 13 tonight. One of the questions that I ask in the poem is, "Will you leave her spirit standing?" Apparently the answer is, no.

Last night while watching the news I found out that St. Bridgette's Church has been closed. St. Bridgette's is a landmark. I couldn't believe that they were closing it, I mean church's are so rarely closed (though the last time I recall it happening the Church was in Harlem...coincidence?). Apparently, there wasn't enough money to maintain it and it has been deemed structurally unsound.

This kills me. I cried like I haven't cried in years. St. Bridgette's is the Church that all of the Donas went to. It is so very old. It is the first Church I saw a wedding in, and the Church where we held my grandmother's funeral.

Inside it was so very beautiful and I just don't get why the powers that be let it happen. But then again I do, because things are always tied together.

Suddenly areas that have always been called the Lower East Side are being called the East Village. I think this is happening because then people don't feel so bad about gentrification (which to me is about economics and not race). "They" are not killing the Lower East Side. Rather, "they" are moving to the East Village. Just look at Morningside Heights. Rename an area and you are not taking over a neighborhood, you are making one.

This morning, when I woke up I cried again. I began thinking about what they are going to do to St. Bridgette's. Will it remain closed till money comes from somewhere? Will it be turned into a club (a la Limelight...the thought of which made me want to vomit)? Or will condos fill its place? Condos filled with people who have no clue how sacred the ground they are walking on is. Not because it was a Church, it was so much more than just a Church. And they won't even know that.

I am crying again, at the law school of all places. My emotions exist somewhere between blind fury, and heart wrenching pain. "Will they even know to mourn its memory?"

(sorry I have to go to class and didn't have time to spell/grammar check this post)

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Saturday, September 11, 2004

Productive Saturdays

I woke up early, have gotten a lot done and even more thinking than that. I need to sit by the ocean somewhere and write, for days just to get out a quarter of what has been floating through my head. Today was a pretty good start though. Old stories are working themselves out and even older poems are finding new life. I think I may make a Frankenstein piece created with scraps of discarded poems.

I wrote a great blog post at work the other day and have seemed to misplace it, somewhere on my harddrive. Back to today, I have colord my hair and found a cute pair of shoes at the flea market, the new hair and new shoes will be with me this evening. I better have lots of fun. Now that school has started I will be going out less. Sigh. It's all good.

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Thursday, September 09, 2004

randomness

1) What is it about crushing on someone that makes you act like a thirteen year old girl? I put on three skirts this morning only to end up in jeans just cause after school today I am meeting up with said crush. Plus, I am writing this knowing full well he reads my blog :-p

2) The last two things I printed out where a memorandum of law in opposition to summary judgment on a medical malpractice case AND some poems that a friend in DC wants my opinions on. Life is beautiful.

3) My schedule is finalized. No Acentos for me this term, I am sorry and I will miss you guys. So here it goes for class The Connection Between Law and Literature (I have to read a novel a week for this class and numerous literary essays, I am so excited I could cream myself); Evidence (it is what it is I have to take it); Ethics (see Evidence comments); and a Seminar on Advanced Intellectual Property (think Copyrights on steroids. I am really excited for this one and have to write a 25 to 30 page paper for the class....any suggestions). I am also back on my Law Journal (Columbia Journal of Gender and Law) http://www.columbia.edu/cu/jgl/ this term I will be working on putting out an article on Domestic Violence in the Dominican Republic. We may need help translating the author's source material but I am looking forward to the challenge. Frankly, this is only the second term I have been really excited about law school and it is my fifth term here. Sigh

4) I learn so much from the folks who sit on the benches in front of my building. From viejitas to old white guys and even the puppies teach me a thing or two. I won't stop counting my blessings and there really aren't enough words for all the different types of love I feel.

Besos


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Wednesday, September 08, 2004

On the Intersection Between Nina and Cristina

This weekend I was told that getting to know me is like knowing six different people. There was a while that I felt that the distinction between Nina and Cristina had gotten a little out of hand. I am but one person with a few too many facets, but I think I have finally reconciled that I am two sides of the same coin at all times.

This morning in class my professor said, "You do violence to part of your personality when you go to court." As a lawyer, I am charged with seeing all sides of an issue. As an advocate I have to make "you" think that my side is the best side, the right side. That is a violent act, because to advocate I have to know my "opponents" strongest points and then make it seem as if they are not strong. It is a difficult task and while it sometimes takes all of the artist in me, I can see the possibility of a day when it will be the least beautiful thing I do. Which is why I plan on always working at small firms. I have the liberty of saying "no" to cases which is something not all of my compatriots will be able to do.

As a lawyer I have to be practical and logical and this doesn't always comport with the poetic aspects of myself. As O.B. has said, I lose adjective and adverbs, want just the facts with no bullshit. When I am in serious mode it is sometimes hard to shake myself back to reality. Serious mode is not reality.

One of my first blog post was titled "Dancing on a Beach in a Suit". While I will now be dancing solo, the premise is the same. I need a life where I can just lay on grass and look at the sky and I have it. I really do think I have a plan for after I graduate that will allow me to embrace all aspects of self without sacrificing part of me.

I never type my full first name on my blog because I don't want clients to be able to google me and find my blog. But I will always admit what is on my birth certificate to poets. My past sculpts so much of my poetry it would be moronic not to.

Nina Parrilla is the name I chose for myself (actually my sister named me Nina and I am sure I already wrote about that so you have to look for the post). Sometimes my responsibilities feel overwhelming. Someone pointed out to me that my longing for my Somerville apartment was really a longing for a life without responsibility. The cool thing is, I like the responsibilities I have accepted for myself.

My older brother new me for 12 years before I was given the nickname Nina. This past month we went on vacation and several times he used the name and while it was wierd to hear him use it felt right. The other night Eliel introduced me to his cousin as Cristina and while it was weird to hear him say it, it felt wrong. I don't want to be a serious poet.

The poet is in me when I am a lawyer, I try to purge myself of the lawyer when I am a poet. I will acknowledge that she is always there, as I am always both BUT I think what I have learned this past summer is that being a poet-lawyer has made me want to be a more honorable lawyer. I like my hyphen but have decided that I will always be a poet first.


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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

looking at my blog as if i was someone else made me realize how truly lame my past few post have been. i don't want to delete them but please read the stuff that is archived and don't judge me on my latest brain dribble

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WOW

Each term there is a class that is so boring and useless that I use the class time to work on my poetry. I didn't expect to find that class on the first day. wow

i have decided that tomorrows class will be dedicated to crafting with plosive sounds, cause i like them.

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Back to Reality

So today I am again, law student, law clerk, am going back onto my journal and will somehow make it to at least LouderMondays. Pray for my brain or eyes as the case may be, they have been suffering from excessive dryness.

Per instructions from my friends, I will try not to think so much.

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Thursday, September 02, 2004

random thoughts and responses to things i've read w/o telling you what they were

1. whenever people say "these are the best years of your life", as in high school are the best years of your life or college is the best time of your life, I have always realized that it is the year i am living in that is the best year of my life. even with the bumps, i have always made my nows better than my past.

2. are all of our hearts broken? i don't think so, but i can understand longing for some parts of the past. i love so much. everytime a little different. my heart isn't broken, just different.

3. guy is so right. this is the worst election ever. i am forced to choose between two things i really don't like and i have to hope that i gobble down the one that won't make me throw up. the most interesting thing in this race are the vice president's. dickhead cheney is at least interesting, at least seems to think about shit, even if he thinks the wrong thing. and at least edwards is enthusiastic. where are the realist with a conscious? when am i gonna get to vote for them?

4. i miss my apartment in somerville. i miss my roommates. two out of three of them are linked from this page. can you guess which ones? i miss haymarket and cooking and eatting and buckets of KFC with really terrible movies to boot. i haven't eatten that stuff since i moved to new york and I love you guys sooooo much

5. excited for abena's bday and audwin's visit. one more day to the weekend


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