NINA FARINA

I've started smoking again. I can't even deny it to myself. What was an occasional habit over drinks is now a habit period. Crazy shit is I am only smoking two a day. The reasons are what annoy me. It is not cause I want to, but cause I need to. AND I am already feeling the effects on my body, the tiredness, the soreness, the inability to focus as the desire to just light up takes over. I hate this shit. Sadder still is that I know I will be smoker for the rest of my life. I can go a year without a cigarette but when it grips me it grips me and it will not be denied. Next month it will be ten years of off and on again smoking. I know because I remember I had my first cigarette during spring break when I was fourteen. I am mad at myself. I feel lame. And I hate not being in control of what I do. There really is a special place in hell for the men who decided to add nicotine to cigarettes.