Friday, July 22, 2005
Untitled
On my desk a picture of a mordito stares at me. He is reading a magazine and is against a blue background with a moon behind him. I think it is done with oil paints. You would think the artist was Latin but he isn't. ** It is just such a powerful image because I see myself in it. I am the mordito. I read magazines so often.
It sits on my desk staring at me because it reminds me that death is just a continuation of life. It is just a change in forms. And at the same time it reminds me that the state I am in is so temporary in the scheme of things that I must take advantage of it till its fullest now. I must enjoy every desperate drop I can.
I've been thinking about children lately, can I have children? when will I have children? will John and I make good parents? I think about it often, how they smell, how it would feel to have a child pressed to my breast.
And I have been thinking about how often I think about it. Because I don't want a child, not now, I know I am nowhere near ready. I don't want to be pregnant. I am too selfish right now to take proper care of myself. So why am I thinking about it so much? And I realize it is because there are people dying around me, people who I am intimately connected with, people who have touched my soul and helped to make up my very essence, people who are helping me get through every single day. And I realize, I am reminding myself that it is all a continuation, it is all connected, people will die, change form, exist, be born, come back, forever and ever and ever and right now is all a drop in the bucket. It's all the turn of a page.
_________
The artist is Jeffrey Scott Holland and you can view his image and his website here.
The picture I wrote about is actually amongst the image collection.
On my desk a picture of a mordito stares at me. He is reading a magazine and is against a blue background with a moon behind him. I think it is done with oil paints. You would think the artist was Latin but he isn't. ** It is just such a powerful image because I see myself in it. I am the mordito. I read magazines so often.
It sits on my desk staring at me because it reminds me that death is just a continuation of life. It is just a change in forms. And at the same time it reminds me that the state I am in is so temporary in the scheme of things that I must take advantage of it till its fullest now. I must enjoy every desperate drop I can.
I've been thinking about children lately, can I have children? when will I have children? will John and I make good parents? I think about it often, how they smell, how it would feel to have a child pressed to my breast.
And I have been thinking about how often I think about it. Because I don't want a child, not now, I know I am nowhere near ready. I don't want to be pregnant. I am too selfish right now to take proper care of myself. So why am I thinking about it so much? And I realize it is because there are people dying around me, people who I am intimately connected with, people who have touched my soul and helped to make up my very essence, people who are helping me get through every single day. And I realize, I am reminding myself that it is all a continuation, it is all connected, people will die, change form, exist, be born, come back, forever and ever and ever and right now is all a drop in the bucket. It's all the turn of a page.
_________
The artist is Jeffrey Scott Holland and you can view his image and his website here.
The picture I wrote about is actually amongst the image collection.
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