NINA FARINA

at work

I get told I look too young to be an attorney fairly often. Generally people put it rather politely (my client this morning was really cute about it). And, generally, I say thank you, tell them it is good genetics and assure them that I am in fact a licensed attorney.

Occasionally the person goes on and on about how I look so young blah blah blah...I look like a little girl etc. etc. and they really cannot believe I am an attorney. I am afraid that one day I am going to snap and point out that if they didn't smoke like fiends, drink in excess, overeat and if they worked out ever, they would look too young for their age too.

So as John said, the wedding plans are literally "falling into place". We have to meet with Judge Benton soon to plan the ceremony (and can I tell you how much I LOVE Judge Benton) but all the dresses are bought and the caterer is lined up and friends are volunteering to do things and it is all just coming along like I had faith it would. I am sure our wedding is going to be nothing like people who don't know us expect and the people who know us know what to expect and it will be agood time and we will be drunk and sweatty because right now I don't know what possessed me to get married in Florida outside in August...I have faith that my family will bring a cool northern breeze with them.

ON a family note. So I get the results of all the tests that I needed and I don't have to have surgery. Woohoo! Funny thing is once I told my mom she made her first blatant request for grandchildren.....ummm....yeah....I explained to her that that project will be held off for a while and she literally keeps bringing it up. This is not like my mother at all. My mom has always let me pace my decisions at my time. Interesting

SO THEN John's godfather (who I adore and whose presence in my life makes the lose of my uncle's a bit more bearable) decides to come up to me at brunch and talk to me about how much we look alike (I would be lying if I told you I didn't see similarities between how I look and how my mother in law looks and guess what I LOVE it when people tell me I look like her the lady is fucking gorgeous...anyway). So as he is telling me how much we already all look alike he starts talking about what me and John's kids are gonna look like.

It seems that there is a certain generation of people in my life that are ready to lay hold of my uterus. Hopefully my uterus will be empty for a bit more time. I am not going to go dancing through Bahia Brasil with stretch marks.

Confession

I regret not stripping my way through law school.

Conversations in my Mom's House

Sister (15) -- Nina if John was a girl do you think you would be a lesbian?

Me-- Yes...If I found a woman that I clicked with as deeply as I clicked with John I would have to be a lesbian.

My mom--What did she ask you?

Me--IF John was a girl would I be a lesbian. I said yes, because he is my soul mate.

My mom (as if this was just ridiculously obvious)--If John was a girl OF COURSE she'ld be a lesbian. Your soul mates your soul mate.

Sigh

Wake up
Drive an hour to the mega huge palisades mall (and i mean HUGE)
Go through every store that sells formal wore in an attempt to find two blue (who gives about the shade of blue) dresses
find nothing
go to nyack mall, check out macy's and another store and another store find nothing
try to recoup at cheesecake factory but not really cause you are tired
you thought this would be easier
drive an hour back to your home town mall with your two bridesmaids
and remember that your best friend has the best sense of humor and has always balanced you
end up in your home town mall and try
Filene's, JC Pennys and Sears

7 hours after the journey started end up at the David's Bridal five minutes from your mom's house, find a dress that compliments their two rather different bodies, in a lovely shade of blue,
order them
charge them
and come home

Dust in the Wind

So, I haven't really been writing. And when I say I haven't been writing, I haven't been writing in my journal, I haven't been writing poems and in the last few months I haven't even been working on all the academic essays I want to write (which are typically the easiest things for me to write as they require little emotion).

I think it has all gotten to me. The four deaths in twelve months has smacked me upside the head and now I spend way too much time thinking about dying. Not my death. That doesn't scare me. I spend time worrying about people I love dying. And lately, I am having recurring dreams my baby sister dies.

My baby sister is not a baby. She will turn 16 the week after my wedding. Even with the age difference we are abonormally close. When I was 2-3 years-old I had an imaginary friend and people would ask who I was playing with and I would say, "my sister Dianna". I was ten when my mom came out pregnant and my mother didn't need to tell me when she said she had some news I replied "You're pregnant". And when I heard my sister cry for the first time I said, "That's my sister". Even before our father announced it was a girl. And now we go to concerts together and she is still my baby and I really do believe all those years ago I wasn't playing with an imaginary friend I really believe I was playing with my sister Dianna.

Now you should understand why it is torture to dream, at least once a week, that she is dead. And in my last dream not only was she dead but nobody would talk about it. Nobody would even mention her.

Which brings me back to my writing. I don't think I want to think about what I should be letting myself write about. Which is why I haven't been writing. I don't think I'll be able to write until I let myself write about how much I miss my uncles, and Eddie and John's granddad. Until I write about how they were special, until I write about how much I miss them. I think my voice as a writer, the kind of writer I have been, is stifled because of that. And thinking about it is too hard. So I think I am going to stay mute. I think I would rather put down my pen.