Monday, October 30, 2006


I am lactose intolerant, ocassionally I go into a state of denial and I drink cafe con leches. No more. It hurts :-(

I have a blood disorder. It's why I was never the party animal, it's why I sneak out of parties were I am enjoying myself. My legs cramp up, and I become exhausted. I am not THAT anti-social. I don't want sympathy, I'm not a sick puppy. And, to all the people who still tease me to this day that I am just coupping out of things--Bite me. Or don't, I can't really afford the blood loss.

I'm scared of having my period. Seriously. Being on the hormones has made me so blisfully pain free. Plus, the combo of having endometriosis (which causes internal bleeding) and thalasemia minor would leave me uselessly exhausted. Eventually I will have to have monthly periods. I am not looking forward to it.

When I don't work out and get enough sunlight, I become a bitch. Working out helps with my exhaustion, it puts more oxygen in my system, a big plus since my blood cells have problems carrying it. And it also helps with my depression. I am a plant. I need the sun. No sun + exhaustion = Bitchy. I resolve to be more proactive about doing both than I have been the past month.

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Monday, October 16, 2006


Today, we give big big props to my dad. Why you ask?

Because my father realized he had a problem, has gotten help and has grown incredibly as a human being (as recent events have proved).

Seeing as I used to put him on blast via my poetry, in his pre-help days, I felt the need to shout out that my dad has just grown incredibly. I am soooo proud!

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Friday, October 13, 2006

A writing exercise.

I have given myself a writing exercise (and maybe I have phrase it in legalese). The purpose of the exercise was to give my new voice some direction. However, I would really appreciate other's input/answers to this question.

What are a writer's duties and/or obligations?

Feel free to email me or post your answer as a comment.

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Thursday, October 12, 2006

Unintentionally Race Post 3

I just wrote a post where I said I wasn't going to post about race. I changed my mind. Today is a two post for one day. The Daily News has done a write up of a piece I saw in GMA about a 16 year-old Harlem girl redoing Dr. Kenneth Clark's "doll" experiment. Click here

When I was growing up my nickname was Negra fea (ugly black girl). It is hard to explain to non-Ricans that being La Negrita or La Negra within a family is not necessarily a bad thing. I didn't realize how harmful the "fea" was until my sister, who is 11 years younger than me, was born. She was dubbed "Blanca Nieve" (snow white).

I pointed out that my sister was not called Blanca fea and that it wasn't fair. A funny thing happened. Family members began COMPLETELY denying they had ever called me "negra fea". My mother didn't deny, but she did stop. I am still La Negra or Negra and if you see me compared to my family you will understand why. Frankly, I like being La Negrita.

My sister looks so much like me. The older she gets the more emphasized it is. Yet, I still perceive her as much prettier. This could be for a ton of reasons, she is younger, I took care of her as a baby (so it could be a parental love), but my mother once flat out said she thinks I think Dianna is prettier because she is whiter. Gee, I wonder why that is.

I've already discussed this with John BUT as parent's of color or, in my case, future parents of color. How do I get my daughter(s) to choose the black doll as often as she chooses the white doll as often as she chooses the tan doll? How do I get her to view them as equals? At this point, I haven't a clue.

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The race post are taking a time out. I am dealing with some rather heavy cases at work, emotionally heavy and difficult cases, and so my race experiences are taking a back seat.

Instead you will get a random post about my hair cut.

My hair cut is not as much of a change as Mireille, who is single-handedly bringing sexy back, but it is a change. I cut about four or five inches off of my hair. It is still long but, but...

First, I don't get why I can't ever bring myself to tell the people who cut my hair that I do not shampoo my hair. Okay, I shampoo about once every four months (literally), if I feel like I have a harsh chemical build up in my hair (generally from swimming), but I don't like shampoing my hair. I don't like the chemicals and I HATE what it does to my hair. It makes it all frizzy and fly away and dries it out. I do clean my hair. I mix a cheap conditioner with the juice of a lemon and I cleanse my scalp/roots about once a week. I condition my hair every three days. *

I'm a grown woman and I can't tell my stylist not to shampoo my hair. That aside-- the fact that she has to use a fine tooth comb to cut it breaks up my curls. At the end of a hair cut I have no clue what my hair really looks like. Three days later when I wash it my way, then I know.

I think the woman I go to does great hair, I never thought I would say that about a non-curly haired girl, but she gets it. I just wish I found someone who really KNEW how to cut curly hair, that would detangle my hair and cut it dry and when I left the shop I would know what my hair cut looks like. I seriously doubt there is a salon like that here.

Here is the second issue--I cut my hair and I don't like half the reason why I cut it. I was sick of the tangles and feeling like I was sleeping with a sweater on but, the other half of the equation has to do with appearance.

I feel like I don't get taken as seriously as I want to be taken because I look too young. A few weeks ago I put my hair in some ponytails and dyed the ends to match the roots (really really dark brown). I cut my hair shorter because I think the combination makes me look older. And, I hate that, I hate that I feel I had to cut my hair to be taken more seriously.

I don't even know how seriously I want to be taken. I don't cover my ankle tattoo at work. My "old hair" definitely fits my crunchy hippie poet vibe. It had a lot of old energy trapped in it but most of that energy was really really good. Maybe I cut off the bad shit that happened.

In three days I'll see if I really like it--if I don't, I grow it out.

* Here is the link to the book that convinced me to stop shampooing.
And here is a website where giving up shampoo is talked about.
Generally, curly girls should just walk away from shampoo. Fast.
My hair started growing so much faster when I stopped shampooing, and it feels so much softer.
P.S. I disagree with motown girl's assertion that you should shampoo if you use lots of chemicals. I bleached and colored my hair and no shampoo still helped it tons

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Friday, October 06, 2006

i miss poetry like i used to know it
like i used to have it
when i was surrounded by it
and submerged in it
when it feel from all of my friends tongues
i miss poetry like i used to write it
i still speak in mourning poems
my heart has not healed and
i don't think it ever will
and so a part of me has been ripped out
and i haven't found a home filled with prose
a home that makes me want to speak in syncopation
i search for my new voice
read the words i used to hear
and hope that if i never find what i used to know
i'll still manage to make the words i want to be

p.s. thank you andrea gibson, you don't even know what you did

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

The phone number has changed. If you want it IM me or email me

in other news malia tagged me so here it goes

What were you doing 5yrs ago?
1. studying for the LSAT
2. quitting my job
3. writing poetry
4. living with three amazing people
5. wondering

1. wasted three hours in cingular
2. went to the office
3. saw the Lost premiere (so awesome)
4. fell asleep watching Colbert Report (like I do everynight)
5. taught class

5 snacks I enjoy?
1. 100 calories of chocolate
2. applesauce
3. mudslides (can i count that as a snack)
4. ...you know i really don't snack
5. ...so i can't name five

5 songs I know all the words to?
1. midnight train to georgia
2. somersault
3. we belong
4. in keeping secrets of the silent earth-3
5. angels of the silences

5 things I'd do with a million dollars?
1. get john turn tables
2. pay off credit card debt
3. get a house
4. get a cheap car and a driver (seriously if i could afford it i would never
bother getting my license..gives me time to read and
think about better things)
5. travel

5 bad habits I have?
1. procrastination on things i have to do but don't want to do
2. nail biting
3. teeth grinding
4. i have a temper, it's getting better
5. i correspond poorly with some people that i should keep up wih more

5 favorite TV shows?
1. Law & Orders
2. Lost
3. Project Runway
4. Daily Show
5. Colbert report

5 biggest joys of the moment?
1. malia's pregnancy
2. my contentment is greater than joy. seriously. life used to be a roller coaster. i like it better this way.
3. my sister is becoming an awesome woman
4. my students interest in my class
5. being married, it's awesome

5 people tagged now (though they won't do it):

1. guy
2. spencer
3. john
4. noyam
5. raina

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