Sunday, July 31, 2005


1. I think that the test went well. There was only one section (out of four) that I really felt kicked my ass. I was happy with the essay section (even though my computer shut down after I had finished writing the first one....thank god i had worked with the same program in law school and knew they could get it back up). The FL multi choice was damn hard and the multi state day....well who knows. ... they release who passed on September 19th.

2. My decision to stay at my tia's, rather than a hotel, was the best one ever. She spoiled the shit out of me! The first night there I had arroz con gandules, bistec encebollado, and maduros. Right after I moved to Tally Don Julio's closed. The meal hit the spot in such a great way. As I studied at her place I felt the spirit of my tio (who passed away in feb) cheering me on. It set the tone for the next two days of test taking.

3. It's in God hands and I am gonna try not to think about it.

4. Frankly I am gonna try not to think till I get back from New Mexico.

5. Even though John and I had spent two years long distance I got used to seeing him daily and missed him tons.

6. I'm excited to go home to New York.

7. OOh, So I spent thursday and friday in Tampa. Thursday we went down to Clearwater and spent the whole day at the beach. Me, my prima and my tia had so much fun. It was that crazy stupid fun where your abs hurt from laughing so damn hard.

8. Friday went to see my bis tia Carmen who was visiting the Orlando area from PR. That was a wonderfully unexpected surprise....even though she was staying with the "odd" branch of the family. They are not bad just odd and I will only explain the difference in person.

9. I am only in Tally till Wednesday and things are kinda booked up. I am trying to decide how much I need to get my fill of Cajun food before I head up to the Northeast and then out West. Yes, there is authentic cajun food in Tally.....hole in the wall restaurant that I ain't telling you about. :-p

10. Thanks for the prayers and support and energy.

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Friday, July 22, 2005


On my desk a picture of a mordito stares at me. He is reading a magazine and is against a blue background with a moon behind him. I think it is done with oil paints. You would think the artist was Latin but he isn't. ** It is just such a powerful image because I see myself in it. I am the mordito. I read magazines so often.

It sits on my desk staring at me because it reminds me that death is just a continuation of life. It is just a change in forms. And at the same time it reminds me that the state I am in is so temporary in the scheme of things that I must take advantage of it till its fullest now. I must enjoy every desperate drop I can.

I've been thinking about children lately, can I have children? when will I have children? will John and I make good parents? I think about it often, how they smell, how it would feel to have a child pressed to my breast.

And I have been thinking about how often I think about it. Because I don't want a child, not now, I know I am nowhere near ready. I don't want to be pregnant. I am too selfish right now to take proper care of myself. So why am I thinking about it so much? And I realize it is because there are people dying around me, people who I am intimately connected with, people who have touched my soul and helped to make up my very essence, people who are helping me get through every single day. And I realize, I am reminding myself that it is all a continuation, it is all connected, people will die, change form, exist, be born, come back, forever and ever and ever and right now is all a drop in the bucket. It's all the turn of a page.

The artist is Jeffrey Scott Holland and you can view his image and his website here.
The picture I wrote about is actually amongst the image collection.

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I am studying constitutional law. Congress has voted to extend the Patriot Act. New York City has decided it is okay to do random searches of people using the MTA. I better study hard.

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

on another note

Looking at the Schedule for NPS makes my head wanna explode from happiness

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Reality Check

Right now the most important thing to me isn't what is going to occur next Tuesday and Wednesday. I will take the bar exam that is for certain.

Right now the most important thing to me is what happens August 3rd. Will I be able to see my Tio again? He said he wasn't going to survive this long and recently he has taken a turn for the better. I just hope he stays that way.

So if you pray for me I really don't care that much about the test. Pray that I see my tio again...okay then tack on a lil prayer that I pass this test.

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Lamest Post You May EVER Read

So I spend my day's at home studying for the bar exam. That is to be expected. And at the end of the day I really am itching for some company. Whichs is to be expected as well. Today shouldn't be the norm though because I spent part of the day studying in Goodies (one of my favorite cafes ever, not just one of my favorite Tally cafes). Still, there are just some days, when I am staring at the clock and like a little lovesick puppy (or poet) and all I can wait for is John to come home. My desire waaaaay transcends the desire for company. Maybe it was reading Guy's post....but this has happened other days.

I am like Pavlov's dog the closer it gets to 5:15 the more I look up from my work, the more I get anxious about whether or not I look cute. After two years of shuttling back and forth I got spoiled my first few weeks here since he was between jobs and I got to be with him all the time. And now I sit here taping my feet just wanting him to come home so I can pounce on him and yes YES I am ridiculously lame but I don't care not a single bit yup I am as lame as they come but in 1.5 hours I am gonna be getting some love.

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

Conversations at my house volume 3

This chapter titled "John's turn to make breakfast"

John: no...you see....i like the eggs like that....with the little burnt....and the ham residue

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

How Stella Made Herself Look Like a Fool

Okay, I've read the book. Stopped watching the movie a few seconds in when I thought it was a radical departure from the book and didn't know it was all a true story until now.

Apparently Terry McMillan's groove is gay. Though she thinks he was deceitful to her and committed fraud to get married I am not so sure. When you marry someone who is twenty years old you run the risk that he doesn't know himself. Plus the man stayed married to her 6.5 years, even after he got his citizenship. I mean it takes love in some form to stay with someone that long.....


they are filthy mega rich and you are from a third world country I mean DAMN I would marry Ms. McMillan under those circumstances. I would be the best lesbian house girl EVER under those circumstances. Homeboy didn't do shit until two years ago when she gave him a dog grooming business. You mean all I would have to do to get out of a third world country and into a life of wealth is to be nice to Ms. McMillan sleep with her occasionally and groom some dogs...HELL YES I would sign up for that.

I still don't think he committed fraud though. I really do think he may not have known he was gay or if he thought he was gay he was trying to convince himself he wasn't (I would try to convince myself I wasn't too under those circumstances).

On a smart note she made him sign a pre-nup and if she fully disclosed things to him the court should uphold it.


Ms. McMillan is losing mega points with me by going around saying that he could have given her HIV and it is not what she is saying but how she is saying it. Cause really, the way she says it sounds like she is implying all gay men have AIDS. I mean I saw her sounding all early 1980s and I thought YUCK.

Also she is trying to have the marraige annulled, not get a divorce, which in legal mumbo jumbo means the marriage never existed. Come on Terry after 6.5 years you are gonna try that? Who knows what INS implications that could have for his citizeship.

He gave your your groove. Ms. McMillan give yourself some dignity.

P.S. two weeks till the bar and this is what my brain has been reduced to.

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Mi abuela

5:47 a.m. I woke up this morning. I woke up at 5:47 a.m. seven years ago-- bolted up in bed and knew that I had to get to New York. However, my abuela had already said goodbye.

Today didn't go as planned. Got lots of work done but didn't get to play tennis like I wanted I need to blow off some steam bad. Had to get John's aunt from the airport unexpectidly. So I was sent into a mad scramble to find white roses for my abuelas altar. There is a shortage of flower shops in Tally but, rather wonderfully, there was one batch of roses in Publix (a grocery store here) and they were white. The altar is beautiful, it has flowers and a blue candle and a white candle and momentos. I am sure she loves it. I really feel her with me.

Last year was awesome though and I love you guys (you know who you are) who celebrated her heavenly birthday with me along the east river.

While I know that death is not an end just a change of energy I still would give the world for one more hug. I still need that goodbye. I just wasn't ready for her to go. Sometimes I am scared I will never let her go and sometimes I realize that that is okay.

"Searching for You" por Claribel Alegria translated by Carolyn Forche

I went out searching for you
crossing valleys
and mountains
ploughing distant seas
asking of the clouds your whereabouts
it was all useless
you were within me.

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Sunday, July 10, 2005

My brain explodes when I find out that

Coheed and Cambria is playing summerstage the Saturday I am in New York
and M.I.A. is playing summerstage the Sunday that I am in New York

and I shouldn't even consider going
because I am supposed to be spending time with family


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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

My friends are wise

"When life comes at you in waves
wave back
otherwise it thinks you're rude "

Thus spake spencerbear link to the right

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Sunday, July 03, 2005

Conversations at my house volume 2 (in the context of what words you can/cannot use)

Me: It's not what you put into your mouth but what comes out of it that makes you unclean

Guest: Not what you put into it?

Me: Yup

Guest: So basically......swallow

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